Feb 15, 2016

Self-Care + Self-Love

You are worthy of love.

As I woke up this morning, I felt lifeless. It's the day after Valentine's Day and I am still without love. How sucky is that. I rolled out of bed and began to go through the same motions of life. Brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed, grab a quick bite to eat and head to work. Nothing new. Except, today I forgot to read my morning affirmation. I got to the other side of my front door and realized I didn't read it and rushed back in to do so. Any other day I would have just let it slide but today I needed a pick me up and my affirmations are just that. So as I opened up my 52 card deck of affirmations, I picked up the card on the top of the deck and read it aloud. It read, "You are worthy of love". It was like that card was placed on top of the deck perfectly by Cupid himself.

For the last 7 months I believed that I was unworthy of love or being loved. That I was too much to handle or just not pretty enough. That I was too different or not different enough. That I was needy or selfish or just boring. All of these thoughts took over my self-esteem. It didn't help that my ex-boyfriend was able to move on within a few weeks of us breaking up. Meanwhile, I'm having the worst of luck on dates and having Netflix and Chill sessions by myself. Go figure.

Don't get me wrong, the last 7 months have not been all bad for me nor my self-esteem. I have had days were I felt incredibly beautiful and blessed. Some days I remember all the stupid, ignorant, selfish things he put me through and I thank God I gave him the boot. Some days I remind myself that God has a plan for me. I just have to be patient and embrace the journey. As the stars align, my day of love will come. By knowing this now I rest easy and rise gracefully. 

But today is the day after Valentine's Day and I am on my way to work a 9 hour shift by myself. How cruel is that. And it's snowing. But my affirmation said that I am worthy so lets just go with that. Right? I am worthy of love. Okay, what type of love? His love? Her love? I need more details. I overanalyze these things often which gets me into trouble. So my mind is going 100 miles per hour trying to figure this affirmation out. Finally it hits me. I am worthy of self-love. A love that is one of a kind and irreplaceable. Self-love is the root of all happiness. If I am not happy with myself then I cannot and will not find happiness in a relationship. I will always put up a wall, I will always face jealousy, I will always question his loyalty and I will always second guess my judgement.  

I am familiar with self- love because I preach about it constantly but I lack it myself. Because honestly as I look in the mirror on most days, I do not like what I see. I pay close attention to my flaws and my failures. Like, my acne or the fact that I can't go to school this semester and sometimes even my short hair. I am crucial to myself and not loving enough. So today I decide to care for myself. Care for myself as I would want someone else to care for me-- with the kindest heart and most gentle touch. I am worthy of loving myself first. I know her better than anyone else so if I can love her unconditionally, he will strive to love her as I do. 

That will be my logic for my next relationship. But for now, I am enjoying this growing relationship with her. I'm getting to know myself and getting to understand the mantra of my heartbeat and the silhouette of my soul. It's a great feeling to know that I am worthy of love. 

And the best kind of love at that. 


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