May 3, 2016

How I Lost My Way: The Unfiltered Truth


I have been away for a very long time. I needed to take a step back, acknowledge the pain and figure out a solution. The solution I am still figuring out but the acknowledgement and acceptance I want to share. 

It was late Sunday afternoon (5.1.16) after a heated argument with my sister and mother when I realized just how lost I was. As we all went back and forth trying to make valid points in our arguments, something in me shut down. I was familiar with the feeling as it has been happening to me a lot lately.  I shut them out completely. I shut myself out. I couldn't understand or control my thoughts nor could I rationalize them. I disassociated my body from my mind.

It was then when I realized, I was not familiar with the person staring back at me in the mirror. I did not know what she looked like. I did not understand her emotions. I was lost. Who had I become and when did this all happen? 

To figure it all out, I traced my steps--everything I did, everyone I came into contact with, everything I embraced and everything I let go of. I traced it all and took note of it. Finally, I noticed a pattern. I could identify my breaking point. The point in which I lost myself, my purpose and my culture. 

My breaking point:

In September of last year my life changed. My everyday interactions were now with people that could not relate to me.  As the only black girl in the building (most of the time) I felt like an unrepresented outcast. I began to get caught up in the life and culture of my new surroundings. Being around people who don't look like me and who can't relate to me is unfortunate and quite frankly unhealthy. So in order to fit in, as most of us do, I camouflage. I camouflage my self, my culture, my persona, my style, my integrity, my ethnicity and my hood (childhood). At first it was all unbeknownst to me but I learned how to camouflage so well, that I began to question my own true existence. I mean let's be real, some just don't understand nor respect the story of a black girl growing up in the hood without a "traditional" family. I didn't want to be "that black girl". 

Now in the midst of all of this, I lost some friendships and relationships. I moved back home with my mother. My life was in shambles and it all took a toll on me. I stopped blogging, I stopped reading and I stopped getting dressed up. I stopped going out (not that I went out a lot to begin with). To say the least, I stopped being me. I got lazy and forgetful. I did not know my purpose in life. Instead of facing the truth, I pretended I was okay. But really I felt like I had nothing of my own. I decided to move back home after moving out for one year, so I did not have my own space anymore. I dismissed my culture to feel apart of another, so I had nothing or no one to identify with. I let my purpose which I once saw so clearly go a blur, so I was living for nothing. In my eyes, I was a lump of matter going unnoticed.
Lost in a black hole.
But wait.
Now you are wondering how I realized this all. How I was able to reel it all in and acknowledge what was happening to me. As cliché as it sounds, I read a quote and it all made sense to me. The quote is by Jess Adams, whom I found on Instagram randomly. The quote reads:
"There's a power
in accepting
who you are
and there's a power
in becoming
who you want to be.
do both
and you'll be
These words resonated with me. I let my surroundings and my current predicament redefine who I was/am. I was not accepting the true me. I was not accepting my true identity, my true background, nor my true culture. Thus I was unable to live up to my full potential and the goals I once saw to be reachable seemed too far away. But I had the power to turn this completely around.
Sometimes it takes something as simple as a quote, a passage or a scripture to heal the deepest of wounds. And as I mentioned before, I am still a working progress but I feel light now that I have accepted the truth.
I hope this resonates with someone else. The feeling is a real one. 

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